I would like to share with you this day, something different from what I have shared in previous posts. I will like to share with you a story of a woman and her devotion to God, her love (which becomes torn and twisted), and her heart’s desires. The woman has asked me to keep her name anonymous as a requirement in allowing me to tell her story. Now this story may sound like a similar story which you have heard from a friend, a loved one, or a complete stranger…but what I am about to tell you is directly from this particular woman as told to me from her own lips.
The story takes place many years ago. For we must go back in the story before we can go forward. It was this woman’s desire to have a child of her own; to experience the pregnancy, to experience the birth, and to hold what was a part of her in her arms. Many years she had longed for this, her heart’s desire. Finally later in her life she gave herself to the LORD and repented of her ways, following the path of Jesus (rather than the path of the world). She spent a lot of her waking hours reading God’s word and reading all and any books she could find, which were directed towards living according to God’s ways. Her understanding of God grew and grew as she felt closer and closer to Him. Her faith in what God could do was very strong.
She petitioned God many times for Him to grant her a child. She wrote it on paper and signed it along with two other witnesses, which were in agreement with her request. She was very impatient and eager for God to grant her this request. There was an urgency which was felt by her to have the full experience of having a child develop within her and then come into the world. She longed to teach it everything she knew of God and Jesus Christ, His son. She then put this eagerness and urgency aside and focused just on God.
While she was reading one of her many books on living a Christian life, she heard a voice. It was not a voice from her mind, but rather a voice which was of authority, loud, and near her in distance. She looked about (as she knew she had been home alone), but there was no one there to be found. She heard the voice say to her, “This is what you shall name your son”. As she heard these words, she looked down to the page which she had been reading in the book. The name that her eyes fell upon was that of Nathaniel. Now this was not a name that she herself would have chosen for a child, not in the least.
She later looked up the meaning of this name, “Nathaniel”. The meaning of the name is, “Gift of God”. For a child from God would certainly be a gift unto her. This name fit perfectly with her request, it could only have come from God Himself.
Years went by, the relationship she was in took a turn for the worse. She turned away from the church and tried to hide from God as well. She was in complete rebellion towards her LORD. She still believed in God and Jesus, knowing they existed and were the only true God. Although her life became that of the world, not of God. She could not stand to hear the name of Jesus or watch anything related to Him. She was running and hiding away from God as far as she could go.
She discovered a new relationship with a man that was kind to her. She loved this man dearly, but they were not married, rather they were living together. Approximately a year and a half into this new found relationship, she became pregnant. This brought extreme joy and extreme sadness all at the same time. She remembered the words which were spoken to her so long ago, of what to name her son. She knew in her heart that this was the son that was promised to her. However, there was a problem. Her new relationship would not stand to have a baby brought into it. She tried to see if it would be possible for her to raise the child on her own, the results proved to be logically not in her favor. There was an option presented to her, to have an abortion and kill the gift which was given to her. Her heart felt stretched and torn in so many directions. It was if someone grabbed a hold of silly putty and was stretching it as far as it could go. Alas, this was no container of silly putty, this was a human heart, her heart.
Her heart, spirit, and mind were in extreme agony over this whole situation. She cried out to God for the first time in years, “Why?!” “Why now, at this time in my life and I am not married?!” “How could you bless me with this gift now?”. The sadness and grief from deep within her came screaming out with so much pain. To make things even more harder for her, she saw the ultrasound of the child at 7 weeks. There was a heartbeat, to her this showed a sign of life (anything with a heartbeat has to be alive). She was scared and did not know what choice to make. She was not following God, so her faith was not with her at this time. She desired to keep this gift, but could not find any logical way for her to take care of it. While also she knew that if she kept this child, she would be alone.
She was being pressured by time, it was time for her to make her decision. With love for her relationship, feeling like this was the only logical choice she could make, and not looking back, she made the decision in favor of her relationship and made the preparations to kill the child. This was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life and no one could understand why she had chosen the choice she did. The location at which her child would meet his death, they made it seem as though this child was not a child and was not alive. The doctor was cold and unfeeling towards her. The did not see the ultimate sacrifice she was making this day. The pain was physically excruciating (not to mention the mental and emotional pain which would later follow).
After this event took place, she distanced herself from everyone that she knew. She could not stand to hear any more questions based upon what she had done and what she should have done. Within all the faces she knew held the memory of the desire she had, the request she made, the promise that was given, and the act that she committed. What she had done traveled with her every day for many years. She could not stand to see or hear a baby, not even in pictures or movies. Seeing a pregnant woman would cause anger and resentment to rise up within her.
Then one day she watched a movie that caused the fear of death and dying (especially when she knew the truth about God and hell) to rise up within her. She felt a calling, which was drawing her to go speak with God, but she resisted. She felt what she did was the worst conceivable thing that she could have done to God, like a slap in the face. To her this was a great sin, greater than any sin that she had committed. “How could God forgive her for this?” “How could she even face God?” These were questions that plagued her daily. As time passed, there was another movie which she watched, bringing on the fear of death and dying once again. Once again she also felt the calling upon her to speak with God. This time she listened and went to Him with a bowed head and a remorseful heart. She felt the filth of what she had done upon her soul, like dirty rags from wallowing in muck and the mire.
She confessed to God what she had done (even though He already knew what she had done) and how terrible it was and how terrible she felt about it. She asked God to forgive her, even though she could not find any forgiveness for herself. She also asked Jesus to come back into her life and into her heart. She repented of all her sins with all honesty straight from her heart. Then she felt an overwhelmingly sense of peace fall upon her and throughout her body. She felt clean and she knew she was forgiven for what she had done. God forgave her, even though it was such a terrible thing. She knew then that no matter how bad an act one committed they could always come to God, confess their sin, repent of their ways, and submit themselves to Jesus with all their heart, mind, and soul…all will be washed away and one will be made clean.
From this point on she was no longer tortured and tormented by the act that she committed so long ago. She can now look upon pregnant women and babies with a sense of joy and wonderment. She was cleansed from it. She will never forget what happened in that cold blood filled room, but she now can have peace knowing that she is forgiven for it.
Will God grant her another child or give her a double blessing of twins? That is only something known of by God, for He is the one that gives us the blessings of life and knows all the appointed times for future events.
What has become of this woman you may ask. She is happily married and they are doing their best to follow God’s ways, although they may stumble here and there, their focus always returns to God and their LORD Jesus Christ……She will always remember the voice she heard so many years ago.