How Do I Look?

So many of us are concerned about the way we look (including myself)… is my hair out-of-place?, …did I choose the right outfit to wear?, …has my makeup smeared?, …does this clothing complement my figure?, …is there anything on my face?, …will my blemishes be cleared up by the time I have to speak? …and on and on it goes…

…But God is not concerned with all that makes up our outward appearance. He does not care if… our hairstyle looks strange,  is too short, or is too long,  …our clothes make us look bigger than what we actually are, …our makeup has big streaks on our face, …our face contains scars and blemishes.

The only ones that care about these things are ourselves and those people who judge by appearances and make appearances more important than what is on the inside.

What if we all started looking at what is in the heart, rather than what is on the outside of each person? What kind of world would this be if outward appearances were not made to be as valuable as they are today? Would people look into mirrors less? Would they take less pictures? Would they say nicer things to more people? Would more hugs be given out? Would there be more marriages and marriages that lasted longer?

What if we looked at ourselves and each other as God looks at us all?

Plans…We All Have Them

My life has been drastically changed since the birth of my son. In the midst of this change I have realized some truths that were discovered along the way.

When I was young I dreamed of experiencing pregnancy and giving birth to my own child….which would have parts of me in them. I planned to have a child and be married by the age of 25. This did not happen.

In fact I discovered it would be practically impossible or not at all in my ability to become pregnant and give birth to a child. About 15 years ago, or less, I received an audible message from God, Jesus, or an Angel stating “This is what you shall name your son”…looking down I saw the name Nathanael pop out at me from a book I was reading. Nathanael means “Gift of God”. I planned for this miracle to happen in months, within a year, within 2 years…it did not happen that way.

I did not become pregnant and give birth until a month ago. My age is not even close to being 25. I was not married to my current husband until a few years ago…and meeting him approximately 9 years ago.

During my pregnancy I was not aware of all the symptoms which can occur during pregnancy. I had not planned on all of them coming to pass. However, I experienced almost all of the symptoms which come with pregnancy. I do remember making the statement, “I wish to experience all of pregnancy”, at one time in my life….be careful of the statements you make.

I planned for the birth to be natural and no medications for pain. This did not happen, complications during contractions (my baby’s heart rate dropping)resulted in me having to have a c-section in the best interests of my baby. I was also given pain medication for the surgery. I planned for the medication to act with no side effects. This did not happen, my heart rate dropped and I was extremely nauseated.

I planned to breastfeed my child. This did not happen, issues with lactation and other issues arose which resulted in a formula only diet for my child. I planned for my child to sleep through the night or at least most of it. This did not happen, many nights I have spent awake with my child.

I made many plans of how things would occur, continuing to remain positive in my thoughts and speech. Not all of my plans came to pass as I had expected or desired.

Now, what I realized was that it was not about my plans in my life or the life of my child. I have discovered it is about God’s plans and the glory going to Him and not my statements concerning my plans. If I planned for one event to go in one direction, the event went in the other direction. I believe this was God’s lessons in showing me; it is not going to go according to my plans for myself…but rather it was going to go according to God’s plan for me and in a way that gives God all the glory. Every time I said one thing He turned it around to be something else. Every thing that happened was for my and my child’s own good. I could not foresee all the circumstances that would be included in the events that held my plans, but God foresaw these circumstances.

Just because I planned for things to go in a specific direction and way, does not mean the events will follow it. The events may have a similar outcome that is good, but it does not mean they are going to take the same path I propose for them. It is God who directs our paths, not us. I am thankful that God does not always allow things to go according to my plans.



Cursed be the person that…

…maketh any graven or molten image, an abomination unto the LORD, the work of the hands of the craftsman, and putteth it in a secret place…

…setteth light by his father or his mother…

…removeth his neighbour’s landmark…

…maketh the blind to wander out of the way…

…perverteth the judgment of the stranger, fatherless, and widow…

…lieth with his father’s wife; because he uncovereth his father’s skirt…

…lieth with any manner of beast…

…lieth with his sister, the daughter of his father, or the daughter of his mother…

…lieth with his mother in law…

…smiteth his neighbor secretly…

…taketh reward to slay an innocent person…

…confirmeth not all the words of the law to do them…

-[KJV, Deuteronomy 28:15-26]

The Law

Have you broken any of the laws listed below? The price for breaking just one of these laws is death.

Do you make God first priority over all else in your life? Have you ever devoted your time and focus to a hobby, job, TV, games….more than your time and focus to God? Have you replaced God with some other activity or item in your life?

Thou shalt have no other gods before me. -KJV, Exodus 20:3

Have you ever cherished or praised an image of an animal, mythical being, or other image where you had a physical replica of it (a necklace, statue, poster, or some other form)? Have you ever treated an item or image as though it had power or a spirit?

You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, those who love Me and keep My commandments. -NKJV, Exodus 20:4-6

Have you ever treated your fellow man unkindly? Have you cheated your fellow man in any way? Have you fought with your fellow man…called them names, brought them to court, or slandered them? Have you treated your fellow man in the same way as you would like to be treated and loved?

You have heard that it was said,’You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’
But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?
And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so?
Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.-NKJV, Mathew 5:43-48

Have you ever used “God” or “Jesus” in the place of a swear/curse word or in the place of an excitement exclamation? Have you used “God” or “Jesus” at any time other than speaking about them, speaking to them, in prayer, in worship, in reading? Have you ever used “God” or “Jesus” in an improper or disrespectful manner?

Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. -KJV, Exodus 20:7

Have you ever set aside one day out of the week to rest from work and to focus on God? Is there one day out of the week where you read God’s word, worship God in praise and song, and have communication with God…without working, but rather just resting in the LORD?

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:
But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt  not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:
For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it. -KJV, Exodus 20:8-11

Have you ever shown disrespect to your mother or father? Have you ever yelled at your mother or father? Have you ever talked about your mother or father in a disrespectful way, giving dishonor to their name? Have you ever talked back to your mother or father with wise or sarcastic remarks? Have you ever treated your mother or father poorly?

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. -KJV, Exodus 20:12

Have you ever murdered someone? Have you ever hated anyone? Have you ever had anger towards anyone without a justifiable reason? Have you ever held anger, wrath, and hatred in your heart towards another?

You shall not murder” -NKJV, Exodus 20:13

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. -NKJV, Matthew 5:21-24

Have you ever cheated on your wife/husband in thought or deed? Have you ever looked with lust or desire at another person other than your wife/husband? Have you ever entertained thoughts of another person other than your wife/husband with lust or desire?

You shall not commit adultery.” -NKJV, Exodus 20:14

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. -NKJV, Matthew 5:27-28

Have you ever taken something that was not yours, that did not belong to you? Have you eaten a grape or small fruit or vegetable from the produce section of a store? Have you taken anything from a retail establishment without paying for it? Have you taken anything from a neighbor’s/friend’s home without it being given to you? Have you used work time for your personal use? Have you taken anything home from work, such as pens, pencils, paper, etc…? Have you done your personal home tasks at work using work equipment? Have you entered your work time incorrectly, even a small amount?

You shall not steal. -NKJV, Exodus 20:15

Have you ever said anything about someone else that was not true? Have you ever falsely accused someone of doing something that was wrong? Have you jumped to conclusions about someone else without knowing all of the facts, while accusing them according to the results of your conclusions?

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. -KJV, Exodus 20:16

Have you ever longed for or desired to have someone’s house? Have you ever longed for or desired to have someone’s wife? Have you ever longed for or desired to have someone’s servants? Have you ever longed for or desired to have any possession that belongs to another person and is not your own? Have you ever wished to have something belonging to someone else… a car, a stereo, a game system, TV, clothes, make-up, shoes, friends, appearance, money…?

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s. -KJV, Exodus 20:17

A Letter From Hell



hell_letterDear Mom,

I am writing to you from the most horrible place that I have ever seen, and more horrible than you could ever imagine.

It is BLACK here, so DARK that I cannot even see all the souls I am constantly bumping into. I only know they are people like myself from the blood curdling SCREAMS. My voice is gone from my own screaming as I writhe in pain and suffering. I cannot even cry for help anymore, and it is no use anyway, there is no one here that has any compassion at all for my plight.

The PAIN and suffering in this place is absolutely unbearable. It so consumes my every thought, I could not know if there were any other sensation to come upon me. The pain is so severe, it never stops day or night. The turning of days does not appear because of the darkness. What may be nothing more than minutes or even seconds seems like many endless years. The thought of this suffering continuing without end is more than I can bear.

My mind is spinning more and more with each passing moment. I feel like a madman, I cannot even think clearly under this load of confusion. I fear I am losing my mind.

The FEAR is just as bad as the pain, maybe even worse. I don’t see how my predicament could be any worse than this, but I am in constant fear that it MIGHT be at any moment.

My mouth is parched, and will only become more so. It is so dry that my tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth. I recall that old preacher saying that’s what Jesus Christ endured as he hung on that old rugged cross. There is no relief, not so much as a single drop of water to cool my swollen tongue.

To add even more misery to this place of torment, I know that I deserve to be here.I am being punished justly for my deeds. The punishment, the pain, the suffering is no worse than I justly deserve, but admitting that now will never ease the anguish that burns eternally in my wretched soul.

I hate myself for committing the sins to earn such a horrible fate, I hate the devil that deceived me so that I would end up in this place. And as much as I know it is an unspeakable wickedness to think such a thing, I hate the very God that sent his only begotten Son to spare me this torment. I can never blame the Christ that suffered and bled and died for me, but I hate him anyway. I cannot even control my feelings that I know to be wicked, wretched and vile. I am more wicked and vile now than I ever was in my earthly existence. Oh, If only I had listened.

Any earthly torment would be far better than this. To die a slow agonizing death from Cancer; To die in a burning building as the victims of the 9-11 terror attacks. Even to be nailed to a cross after being beaten unmercifully like the Son of God; But to choose these over my present state I have no power. I do not have that choice.

I now understand that this torment and suffering is what Jesus Bore for me. I believe that he suffered, bled and died to pay for my sins, but his suffering was not eternal. After three days he arose in victory over the grave. Oh, I do SO believe, but alas, it is too late. As the old invitation song says that I remember hearing so many times, I am “One Day Too Late”.

We are ALL believers in this terrible place, but our faith amounts to NOTHING. It is too late. The door is shut. The tree has fallen, and here shall it lay. In HELL. Forever lost. No Hope, No Comfort, No Peace, No Joy.

There will never be any end to my suffering. I remember that old preacher as he would read “And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever: And they have no rest day nor night”

And that is perhaps the worst thing about this terrible place. I REMEMBER. I remember the church services. I remember the invitations. I always thought they were so corny, so stupid, so useless. It seemed I was too “tough” for such things. I see it all different now, Mom, but my change of heart matters nothing at this point.

I have lived like a fool, I pretended like a fool, I died like a fool, and now I must suffer the torments and anguish of a fool.

Oh, Mom, how I miss so very much the comforts of home. Never again will I know your tender caress across my fevered brow. No more warm breakfasts or home-cooked meals. Never again will I feel the warmth of the fireplace on a frosty winter’s night. Now the fire engulfs not only this perishing body wracked with pain beyond compare, but the fire of the wrath of an Almighty God consumes my very inner being with an anguish that cannot be properly described in any mortal language.

I long to just stroll through a lush green meadow in the springtime and view the beautiful flowers, stopping to take in the fragrance of their sweet perfume. Instead I am resigned to the burning smell of brimstone, sulphur, and a heat so intense that all other senses simply fail me.

Oh, Mom, as a teenager I always hated having to listen to the fussing and whining of the little babies in church, and even at our house. I thought they were such an inconvenience to me, such an irritation. How I long just to see for a brief moment one of those innocent little faces. But there are no babies in Hell, Mom.

There are no Bibles in Hell, dearest mother. The only scriptures inside the charred walls of the damned are those that ring in my ears hour after hour, moment after miserable moment. They offer no comfort at all, though, and only serve to remind me of what a fool I have been.

Were it not for the futility of them Mom, you might otherwise rejoice to know that there is a never ending prayer meeting here in Hell. No matter, there is no Holy Spirit to intercede on our behalf. The prayers are so empty, so dead. They amount to nothing more than cries for mercy that we all know will never be answered.

Please warn my brothers Mom. I was the eldest, and thought I had to be “cool”. Please tell them that no one in Hell is cool. Please warn all my friends, even my enemies, lest they come also to this place of torment.

As terrible as this place is, Mom, I see that it is not my final destination. As Satan laughs at all of us here, and as multitudes join us continually in this feast of misery, we are constantly reminded that some day in the future, we will all be summoned individually to appear before The Judgment Throne of Almighty God. God will show us our eternal fate written in the books next to all of our wicked works. We will have no defense, no excuse, and nothing to say except to confess the justice of our damnation before the supreme judge of all the earth. Just before being cast into our final destination of torment, the Lake of Fire, we will have to look upon the face of him who willingly suffered the torments of hell that we might be delivered from them. As we stand there in his holy presence to hear the pronouncement of our damnation, you will be there Mom to see it all. Please forgive me for hanging my head in shame, as I know I will not be able to bear to look upon your face. You will already be conformed into the image of the Saviour, and I know it will be more than I can stand.

I would love to leave this place and join you and so many others I have known for my few short years on earth. But I know that will never be possible. Since I know I can never escape the torments of the damned, I say with tears, with a sorrow and deep despair that can never be completely described, I never want to see any of you again. Please don’t ever join me here.
In eternal Anguish,
Your Son / Daughter,

Condemned and Lost Forever


“And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.
~ Luke 16:23-24

Then he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldst send him to my father’s house: For I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them, lest they also come into this place of torment.”
~ Luke 16: 27-28

Dear soul,

This doesn’t have to be your fate. The very fact that you’re reading this says

there’s time to accept the Lord Jesus as your Savior.

Yet, if you don’t believe in the Lord you’re going to hell. There’s no pleasant way to say it.

The Scripture says,

“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God. “
~ Romans 3:23

“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
~ Romans 10:9

Don’t fall asleep without Jesus until you are assured of a place in heaven.

Tonight, if you would like to receive the gift of eternal life, first you must believe in the Lord. You have to ask for your sins to be forgiven and put your trust in the Lord. To be a believer in the Lord, ask for eternal life. There’s only one way to heaven and that’s through the Lord Jesus. That’s God’s wonderful plan of salvation.

You can begin a personal relationship with Him by praying from your heart a prayer such as the following:

Oh God, I’m a sinner. I’ve been a sinner all of my life. Forgive me, Lord. I receive Jesus as my Savior. I trust Him as my Lord. Thank you for saving me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.


“Whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved”
~ Acts 2:21

- See more at:

Get Serious


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serious face

Let’s Get Serious…

If you see a person which has a disease that is slowly killing them (they could die at any time) and you know the cure; do you tell them of this cure so they can live and be made well?, do you watch them slowly die knowing you could have told them the cure for it?, or do you just turn your back and ignore them and their disease?

14]And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up:
15]That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.
16]For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
17]For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
18]He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
19]And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.
20]For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved.
21]But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.
~John 3:14-21

Hell is a real place which no one wants to be, it is not filled with parties and good times. All the attributes of God will not be in that place. However, the law states that if one part of the law is broken, being sentenced to hell is the price that is to be paid. Jesus, the son of God, lived on earth without sin and blemish and took all of our sins upon himself and paid our price, so that we would not have to pay it. It is His gift of Grace for us, but first we must accept the gift in order for it to be open to us. In accepting the gift we must also believe in who Jesus is and no longer willingly break the law without heartfelt repentance of breaking it. The gift that is given to us, allows us to have eternal life and live in God’s Kingdom.

? Questions To Ponder


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 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


Are we being consistent in re-evaluating and re-examining our daily lives to see if we have anything hindering our devotion to God? Some things may require disposal and prompt removal, while others may only require adjustments. Is there anything blocking what we need today?


Have we truly buried our old selves when we answered Jesus’ call to receive His free gift given to us by Grace for eternal life, so that we may become a new creation in Jesus Christ…or is the grave for our old self still open and the soil yet to be placed upon it? How can we be a new creation in Christ if our old selves have not fully died? Are we hanging on to parts of what we once were before we believed in and truly knew Jesus?


When a voice speaks to you, are you hearing your own voice or are you hearing God’s voice?


Do we serve God out of our own free will and desire? Are we devoted to serve or to Jesus?


Are we requesting from God more than we are giving to God of ourselves and our service? Is there anything in our lives that is in competition with our loyalty to God?


Are we waiting and listening for God or starting without Him?


Many are called, but few are chosen…few prove themselves the chosen ones…


Is God real to you with all else put into the shadows? Does God have center stage in your life?


Are we depending on God alone or are we receiving dependence from other areas as well?


Are we still in love with God as we first were when we answered His call to us? Are we still hungering and thirsting after Him or are we focused on how our hunger and thirst can be satisfied by Him? Are we looking for what He can do for us or are we seeing how we can be used by Him? Are we still so in love with God that all we see and want is Him?


Are we waiting for God to me to us or are we going to Him?


Are we looking up to God…or looking down upon our worldly circumstances?


Who are you living for…your family…your work…your children…your friends…your career…your own desires….?


Are we leaving room in every area of our lives for God to come in at any moment…at His moment?


Are we giving thought for our lives or are we giving it all to God?


God Addiction


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Español: Imagen del rostro de Jesucristo, hech...

Español: Imagen del rostro de Jesucristo, hecho con chocolate. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What are you addicted to, what is your current addiction?

We may not always realize it, but a great majority of us, if not all of us, are addicted to something at some point in time. The act of being addicted can refer to being physically dependent on something or very keen on a particular interest or activity.

Some may be addicted to ;

  • Watching TV
  • Playing Video Games [Including Facebook games, Solitaire, and other time consuming games]
  • Listening to Music
  • Eating Chocolate
  • Eating
  • Learning
  • Working
  • Sleeping
  • Drinking
  • Exercise
  • The Sun

The list can go on and on, there are so many things that one can be addicted to it is almost impossible to list them all. If you are wondering whether an active which you are associated with is an addiction for you, there is a way to test it. Try giving up the activity for one day, one week, one month, a year. Of course if work may be your addiction, you cannot test it by giving it up. However, you can test it by making sure it does not take away from family and God time. If you find that you are constantly drawn to a particular activity and can be away from it for any length of time, it may be an addiction.

Have you ever wondered how much energy and focus go into something we are addicted to? When we calculate our time around things we mostly end up putting the majority of time towards what we are desire most. It is always resting there in our minds until we come back to it.

When a person is addicted to cigarettes, how much does their mind think about and want them when they don’t have them or are faced with the possibility of never having them again.

Now imagine if all that power and focus of addiction towards other things was turned to Jesus and we were addicted to Jesus. Can you imagine it? Can you honestly and truly imagine being addicted to Jesus and our Almighty Father in Heaven?

As soon as you wake up each morning, instead of running to the coffee maker, you run to Jesus. When you are at work, you long for your lunch breaks so you can catch up on the time that has passed from being with Jesus. As the clock tolls the hour to leave work, you cannot wait to spend more time with Jesus. All throughout work Jesus has been in your mind. Jesus is all that you crave each and every day. When you are talking to others, all you can talk about is Jesus. when you are playing a video game, all you can think about throughout the game is how much more you would rather be reading God’s Word to get closer to Jesus. All of your money is not put on clothes, dinners out, or the latest technical gadget…but it is put towards the things which Jesus cares for…feeding the hungry, providing for the poor, visiting the imprisoned, spending time at nursing homes and in hospitals [visiting those who are ill and lonely]…Can you imagine being addicted to Jesus?

Putting all our focus and energy on Jesus…Keeping Jesus in our thoughts all throughout the day…Setting aside the majority of our time for Jesus…tending to the things in life that are important to Jesus…can you imagine?

What if we threw away all of our temporal worldly and fleshly addictions and replaced them with a new eternal addiction…an addiction for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Weed Control


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 (Photo credit: RaeAllen)


The things we cast out of our lives, we often return to or are tempted to return to them. They invade our once purified world, as weeds pollute a well-grown and kept garden. How often do we give into it and then must cast it out again. How often do the weeds of our past sin and repentance grow again in our gardens.


Saul in the book of 1 Samuel, cast out all the mediums and the spiritist from the land. When it came a time in which he was not hearing from God, he searched out for what he previously had already cast out of the land. Saul requested his servants to find him a medium. The medium they found was En Dor. When Saul went to her, he disguised himself.


To me this shows that he did not want to be known as going to something which was cast out sin. He knew it was wrong, but he was doing it anyway under a disguise. He went to executing desperate sinful actions, because he was not receiving the answers from God at that time.


Since Saul did not hear from God, he acquired of the dead through a medium in attempting to contact Samuel (who was already in the grave).


What sins do we return to when we are not receiving answers when we want them or things are not going as we think they should at our appointed time? What weeds keep growing in our garden and are constantly being cast out again and again?


Cast out the sin, do not return to what you have repented of, but go forward focuses on our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.


A Time To Heal~Forgiveness [pt.2]


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 (Photo credit: kwanie)


I never really knew my father all that well. There are bits and pieces of my father that I remember from my growing up years.


I remember my father sleeping in the bed…seeing the top of his bald head at dinner time nearly placing his face into his plate…hearing him take my side over me spending my pennies that I had saved for kindergarten…being held by him as he cooked his blood sausage over the stove…crying as he was leaving for his grange meetings and I was held in my mum’s arms…riding in a car with him and my aunt while he told me great stories (which I would prod him to continue over and over again)…locking my brother out of the house by nailing the back door shut (my brother did not have it so good from my dad)…dad bringing home a cat in a large box (I could only see part of the face sticking out a hole…I thought it was a lamb that he had brought home).


…I remember the day my mum told me my dad moved away and was living in a big building somewhere else (my little mind pictured a skyscraper of a building…reaching up into the clouds and somewhere within that building was my father…of which I missed and wanted back home where he belonged).


I was told later in life that my mum and dad fought a lot, that my brother and dad did not get along, that my dad was not a good father.


I remember cleaning my dad’s apartment on visits to his home…cooking my dad frozen dinners…making my dad coffee with a shot of whiskey on the side for breakfast-lunch-dinner…my dad’s girlfriend that painted my nails each visit…not understanding why I could not sleep over when my brother could…walks to the liquor store…a walk in a cemetery.


I remember my dad coming to my birthday party and giving me a book that had stories of the Bible in it…others looked down upon this gift, but to me it is was like gold…because it came from my dad…riding my bicycle 7 miles one way to visit my dad a couple of towns away…getting freezer burn from a hamburger and being in extreme pain walking 7 miles with my bicycle back home after visiting my dad (regretting eating the hamburger, but not regretting seeing my dad)…the news that my dad had died one November morning (I was 16 and told not to cry because he was never really a  father to me).


My father was not the best, as fathers seem to go, but he was my father. I forgive him for not being there for me, for not taking me places or even to the park, for being an alcoholic, for saying things to me that fathers do not say to their daughters, for being not nice to my brother or mother. I apologize for making fun of him sometimes when he was drunk…not honoring him.


I forgive you dad…I miss you…I wish you could have seen me grow up…I wish I could give you a hug and tell you I love you no matter what others say. You are my dad and you always will be and that is why I love you…not because of things you did or did not do…but because you are my dad. I wish you could see these words. I don’t know if I will see you in Heaven, because I am not sure if you gave your life to Jesus and accepted his gift of eternal life. I love you daddy!!!



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